Christmas is round the corner and it is a time for families but if you are going through a divorce or seperation this can be a particularly difficult time. Many Mum’s get custody of their children in a divorce or separation so Christmas can be a particularly lonely time for single Dad’s, especially if this is your first Christmas away from your children.

TV and radio are already promoting Christmas, whether it is your grocery shopping for the holiday period or toy adverts of what you should be getting your kids for Christmas. If you are going through a divorce or separation then this time of year is always difficult especially with the constant reminders of perfect families enjoying Christmas together.

The My Mad Ex Divorce forum have put together a few tips for Single Dad’s facing Christmas alone.

1. Try to be amicable with your ex – Your ex may be mad, or maybe you’ve found yourself acting a bit crazy after the split, either way Christmas is important if you have kids and the last thing you should be doing is arguing with your ex on Christmas day in front of them. We know it can be hard as your ex may be making things difficult or maybe you still have string feelings that mean you act a bit mad when you see them but try to remain amicable for the Christmas period at least and show your kids they are important to both of you.
2. Try to arrange time with your kids – This goes with tip number 1 as you need to speak to your ex about arranging time to see your kids, you may not get Christmas day with them but maybe you could take them out Christmas Eve or Boxing day.
3. Don’t spoil the kids – If you don’t get to see your kids often or feel bad about separating from their Mum then don’t overcompensate by spoiling them. Many Single Dad’s feel guilty that they don’t see their kids very often and want to spend money on them to prove they still love them, this comes from emotional issues that you need to tackle seperately but in the mean time be thoughtful with your time and your gifts to your children. The last thing your kids need is their Dad going bankrupt and in the long run they will remember the thoughtful gifts and the good times they have with you.
4. Don’t Drink too much – Drinking and Christmas go together like Turkey and Cranberry sauce, but try to avoid the temptation to get too drunk as alcohol is a depressant and your unresolved issues about separating or feelings about your ex may rear their ugly head. Single Dad’s who get too drunk at Christmas just feel even more isolated and often ostracise and push away their family and friends after too many egg nogs. After a seperation people are more succeptible to depression and many single Dad’s don’t look for support in the same way as single Mums and alcohol can be that push into depression and long term health problems.
5. Be with family and friends – After a divoce or separation many single Dad’s want to isolate themselves, don’t do this as you culd fall into bad habits and be succeptible to depression. Try to be with friends, work mates or family, don’t spend all of the Christmas season locked up in your home alone try to be sociable, put on a brave face and you never know you may just enjoy yourself.

If you think we’ve missed some points or want to discuss what it is like for a single Dad facing Christmas alone join the conversation at My Mad Ex’s Divorce forum.

According to a recent study children brought up in a single parent family are more likely to have behavioural problems by the age of 7. The statistics are 12% of children brought up by a single parent will display behavioural issues compared to 6% of children brought up in the conventional 2 parent family.

These findings are part of a study on 14,000 children born in Britain betweenthe years 2000 and 2002. Other factors that contributed to a childs behaviour were qualifications of the parents, and household incomes, these factors were said to potentially have “damaging long-term consequences” on young children.

Lisa Calderwood, from London University’s Institute of Education, said: “Living apart from natural fathers can be associated with poverty and negative outcomes for children.”

In light of the new ASBO community where many children are running wild and causing problems in local communities as well as inner cities it is no wonder researchers have been looking into what affects childrens behaviour. This is being researched further as part of the Millennium Cohort Study, which is being sponsored by the Economic and Social Research Council.

In one study, researchers observed and questioned over 13,500 mothers to get more of an insight into the circumstances that affect their childs behaviour. The Mothers were asked to rate their childs hyperactivity, emotional problems, manners and conduct and relationships with other children. The results were then grouped into 3 groups ranging from ‘Normal’ to ‘Serious Behavioural Problems’.

The results of the survey found that children with lone parents or step children were more likely to be badly behaved, the figures were 15% of stepchildren and 12% of children with lone parents fell into the badly behaved category compared to only 6% of naughty children living with both natural parents. It also showed that serious behavioural problems were less common among children whose families had a higher level of parental qualifications.

Many people are calling out for more evidence to prove these facts and the difference in percentage isn’t huge not like 6% compared to say 30% or 40%.

What are your thoughts? Are you a single parent who is struggling to cope on your own with a naughty child? Do you agree that children are naughtier in single parent families? Do you think the study is hyped up propaganda to try to make us conform to the conventional two parent family?

Last week saw some big changes in spending from the government and mixed in with all the cuts is that single Mum’s are now having to go back to work from the time their children are 7, previously it had been age 10. This comes as single mums with a child over the age of 7 will now be pressured to find work and will only be eligible to recieve job seekers allowance.

Single Mums will recieve job seekers allowance from the age their child or children are aged 7, this means single Mums are being forced to try to find work  of at least 16 hours a week while their child is at school. You may think this is fair enough as they don’t need to be at home on their own but for many single Mums finding flexible jobs that will allow you time to take your child to school and pick them up after school is very difficult.

By working these additional hours many single Mums will have to pay out for extra child care or pay for after school clubs for their children, you have to remember many single Mums don’t recieve emotional or financial support from their childrens dad’s. By having to shell out for childcare or clubs this means even by working many Mums will be worse off as child care can be very expensive.

These are of course the lucky Mums that can find work, with the economic climate as it is the number of jobs available are at a minimum and many employers will not want to employ a single Mum who has to take time off everytime her child is ill as there is no one else to look after them. Although employers would not admit to this as it is ileagal if you have a small business you may not be able to afford to keep someone on who takes time off for dentist and doctors appointments for their kids, or comes in tired from cooking and cleaning or staying up late with a sick child.

What do you think of the changes to the spending? It is not just single Mums that are affected many other families will be losing money from the spending cuts, with benefits, tax credits, or child allowance. Have you been affected? Do you agree with the cuts? Discuss this and more on the My Mad Ex Divorce forum.

Many single parents seem to be having problems with the CSA (Child Support Agency), the CSA are supposed to support single parents and Children and help fathers get access to their children. However admin mistakes and reportedly rude personnel is causing many single parents, men and women, to get increasingly frustrated by the agency.

I was recently browsing the internet and I came across a website called CSA Hell this reminded me of a forum thread that got started on our divorce forum a while back on the Child Support Agency, one of our forum members reported their own problems with the CSA and from the looks of www.csahell.com he is not alone in these problems.

When you split up from a relationship it is difficult to keep an amicable relationship with your ex partner, and this can have a negative effect on your children. The CSA are supposed to help make this easier but many of our forum members feel that in fact the CSA make things much harder, by interfering communication breaks down between the parents and many single dads feel their child support money is not afforfable.
Join the discussion, are you a single parent who is having problems with the CSA? Have you got horror stories to tell about poor admin, having to give up work or take cash in hand jobs to survive after the CSA take a large proportion of your earnings? Or do you love the CSA? Have you been helped out by the Child Support Agency?

As a single parent it can be very difficult to start dating again, especially after a messy divorce or separation. Single parents have a lot of things to consider before starting to date again including thinking of your childrens feelings, your relationship with your ex and also many trust issues you may have from the break down of your last relationship.

No matter how long it has been since your relationship broke up, you still owe it to yourself to be happy, and moving on and dating is one step that you will innevitably need to take. There are, however, a lot of obstacles to get past when considering single parent dating.

Children

When you have children from a past relationship they may live with you or live with your ex but they need to be considered when you feel it is time to start dating. Children can be affected by their parents splitting up, no matter how old they are it is a tough time for children as well as you.

Your children may still have fantasy’s of you and your ex getting back together so the thought of you dating someone new can be very upsetting and a harsh reality that they have not yet faced. If you have a lot of contact with your ex then it is up to both you and your ex to make it clear to your children that although you are no longer together you still love them and they are the priority. If you do not have any contact with your ex and neither do your children then your children may be more vulnerable to a new partner coming into your life. They may cling to them as a substitute mother or father, which can cause a lot of pressure on a new relationship and be unhealthy for your child. They may also be resentful of your new partner for taking up your time, this can happen even if the child has contact with your ex. There are lots of ways a child can react to a new partner but try to communicate with them about the situation and reassure them.

When you start dating it can be difficult to choose the right time to introduce your new partner to your children and if you are just new to the dating scene you may not want to introduce them straight away so you don’t risk your children getting close to someone who may not work out with. If you are ready to date then you should do it for yourself, depending on bow old your child is and how serious the new relationship is then you can decide how much or how little to tell them. Make sure they are aware that you will not be geting back with your ex or this can be unhealthy for them. At the end of the day if you are a happier, more confident parent you will be a better influence for your child and your home will be a nicer place to grow up in so keep that in mind if you are not dating purely because you are worried about how your child will feel.

Your Ex

When you start to date someone new this can affect your relationship with your ex, perhaps they had hopes of getting back together, or feel resentful that you have moved on quicker than they have. Having a relationship with your ex is important for the well being of your children but it is not easy and an already strained relationship can be very fragile.

Don’t let your ex dictate who you can and cannot see, but be sensitive to their feelings, put your self in their shoes and try to consider their worries. They may feel threatened that a new partner will interfere with their relationship with your children. Sometimes it can be a harsh realisation that you will not be getting back together or their pride may be hurt if you have moved on quicker than them. Whatever issues you may face with your ex, you need to sort them out quickly to help you get a healthy relationship with your new partner and your ex. You do not want your ex using your children as ammunition because they do not like your new partner or situation.

Make sure your ex finds out from you and not someone gossiping down the pub and reassure them it will not affect their relationship with your children. Not all exes will be reasonable but if you try to consider their feelings it may help.

Meeting People

After a break up you may find this impacts your social life, perhaps you had mutual friends, or most of your friends were couples. This makes going out on the pull quite difficult, also having children means you may not have the time to meet new people. Try to go to new clubs and take up activities, you can also meet people online on local websites and divorce support forums, this way you will meet people who understand your experiences and you will have things in common.

When are you ready?

People move on from their relationships in different ways and at different times, some people feel their relationship with their ex ended long before they broke up therefore the time before moving on to a new relationship may be quite quick. Others may just feel they are ready soon after the break up, but some people wait months or even years before feeling confident enough to get into a new relationship.

The breakdown of any long term relationship is hurtful even when you try not to hurt your partner their will be times that you say something you don’t mean or they may. You may have been in an unhealthy relationship, an abusive relationship or even have been cheated on. In this case it can take you time before you trust someone again. Having children means you will be more cautious about who you let into your life and any issues from a past relationship will make this harder.

Make sure you feel comfortable moving on, and also that you are doing it for the right reasons, if you are on the rebound you may find it hard to commit fully to a relationship or find yourself choosing the wrong person and getting even more hurt. If you are dating because your ex is dating and you don’t want to be outdone you will not truly be happy and it will not work out. If you have trouble with your confidence or moving on then you should get help you can ask the divorce experts at the My Mad Ex forum or see your doctor about counselling.

With more and more fathers taking responsibility for their children there has been a rise in playgroups for dad’s, this is great for single dad’s who aren’t accepted at women’s only playgroups.

Although there are many playgroups there are still some for women only, the good thing about women’s only groups is they can share their experiences as Mums, some of these details and conversations would make dad’s feel uncomfortable, or women uncomfortable to talk in front of men.

Realising that men want to be active dad’s and more men are becoming full time dad’s or the sole carer, meant that a need for a playgroup for men came about. Play groups are excelent places for your kids to meet other children and socialise, but also time for parents to meet other parents.

Single Dad’s often feel the need to meet other dad’s and from sharing stories they can get tips and feel supported when bringing up a child a lone. Even dad’s who are still in happy relationships have benefited from these playgroups to meet other dad’s.

If you are a single dad and have some stories to share, why not join our forum.

25% of UK children are being raised by a lone parent or in a single parent family, these statistics are actually forcast to increase! Although single parent families are becoming more normal but there is still a lot of stigma around lone parents and their circumstances.

The most common single parent families are from the break down of a relationship, either separation or divorce but these days other factors include;

• Parent who has suffered the death of a partner
• Parent was abandoned by a partner
• Adoption of a child as a single parent.
• Fertility treatments cush as sperm donation and IVF as a single parent
• Use of a surrogate to bring up a child alone
• Unexpected pregnancy carried to full term alone

Although single parent families are becoming much more common there are still stereotypes associated with bringing up a child alone.

The typical lone parent is a female, young and inexperienced, a bit trashy and common, grabbing benefits and jobless having more children by different dads to get more benefits which she probably spends on booze, fags and drugs.

This stereotype is backed up by the media who constantly show stories of benefit mums and single parent families who’s kids are on drugs because thats all they know.

In reality, this is only a small proportion of single parent families, many lone parents work very hard to give their children the best, although most single parents are women many dads are also single parents with full custody.

My Mad Ex is trying to break through some of those stereotypes to show the real story, we also want to have some fun! Being a lone parent can be hard and help and support isn’t always available, My Mad Ex is a place to get support and also escape a bit.

If you have stories to share or want to meet other single parents go to our forum and join the conversation.